Monetary fugue

I can't seem to keep cash in my wallet.

It's a strange problem, particularly because I have a job that pays well enough and no pressing expenses, bills, or outstanding debts. I don't struggle to make ends meet. I don't have to scrape together pennies just to get a decent meal during the day. I just can't stop buying things.

Granted, I use the majority of what I purchase --- I am, after all, very utilitarian. But how can I explain buying two tape recorders when I only needed one? How can I justify buying dozens of books a month, knowing full well I can't read them all so quickly? Why do I keep spending money?

Simple: I have to.

We all have to, yes. But I have to. I can't seem to bear the idea of not buying something superfluous once a week. When I'm not buried up to my neck in assignments and research, when I'm not trying to devote myself entirely to whatever game it is I've just purchased, my hand is at my wallet. It's strange, and it's unhealthy, but I have to wonder if it matters. I'm certainly not hurting myself financially. I'm using what I buy --- for the most part, anyway.

It feels hollow, though. The impulse buying isn't out of genuine necessity. Honestly, I think it's to distract myself from something.

Perhaps I've finally become materialistic without realizing it. Buying crap is all that makes me feel good anymore. I'm too tired to write or paint, I've got no girlfriend, my schedule is all askew and out-of-sync with those of my friends --- what do I have left?

Things.

I get tired just thinking about it.